Scene 1: Harry Potter, orphaned at a young age, has grown up in the household of Lady Penelope de Vere Jones, Now, on his eleventh birthday, he is looking forward to attending Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry with his friends.
This happy scene is disturbed by the arrival of Dobby, a house elf, on a motorcycle he has stolen from Mr. Rubeus Hagrid, a horticulturalist.
Dobby: Harry Potter must not go to Hogwarts!
Harry Potter: Mumsy, this beastly elf is saying I must not go to Hogwarts with all my chums!
Lady Penelope: I’m sorry, my darling, but in this family we have always obeyed the diktats of elves clad in riding leathers.
Scene 2: With Hogwarts no longer open to him, Lady Penelope has sent Harry to Dungeness Secondary Modern. Lunchtimes are difficult.
Jenkins: Oi, I’m a working-class stereotype brought in to add ambient menace, and I don’t like the way you’re looking at me, Potter.
Harry Potter: Have a care, Jenkins! Don’t push me, I warn you!
Jenkins: Push you! Wot are you going to do, Potter, if I push you .. like … this … Ow! Ow, wot you dun to me?
Harry: You’ll keep your distance, Jenkins, if you know what’s good for you! Or there’ll be more where that came from!
— interpolated scene —
From the staffroom window, the Head and Mr Quail, a senior master, observe the goings-on in the playground.
Head: If I didn’t know better, I’d say that great lout Jenkins was scared of Potter.
Mr Quail: That Potter’s a rum cove, all right. Odd things keep happening around him. I think we should keep an eye on that one, Head. And as for Jenkins –
Head: Men like Jenkins built the Empire, Quail. Once they could be relied on to kick six bells out of Johnny Foreigner upon the command of a senior officer. Now they are ruining the schools of this great nation.
— end of interpolated scene – back to the playground —
Jenkins: I’ll get you for this, Potter, just see if I don’t. I’ll…
Potter: You’ll do what, Jenkins? Eh? You’ll do nothing, and be glad of it.
The bell rings.
Scene 3: After school, Jenkins approaches Potter, palms outwards, treating him with a wary respect.
Jenkins: Potter, I don’t like the way you use your privileged narrative position to enforce hegemonic norms.
Potter: I say, Jenkins!
And so the two boys became fast friends, laughing and joshing together in the playground, although sometimes, at the end of a long day, they became slow friends.
After their school days were over, Jenkins went off to kick six bells out of Mr John Foreigner. Harry Potter married a daughter of dentists who was herself a dentist.
Scene 4: Long years after their deaths, the ghosts of Jenkins and Potter still haunt the playground of Dungeness Secondary Modern, now a re-education centre for Liberal Democrat MPs.
Ghost of Jenkins: That wife of your was a bit of all right, eh? Eh, Guv?
Ghost of Harry Potter: If only I could remember her name.
